Welcome to the Fork in the Road Blog: Reflections on Life. These are “fireside” musings on the reasonably long life I have lived so far. It is my way of thinking aloud over everyday issues, reflecting on life’s “What”, “Why?” and “How?” and sharing my views with people around me, physically and virtually. The musings are, however, primarily for my wellbeing. They are therapeutic. They keep me mentally alive. The topics I muse over come to me haphazardly triggered by the surroundings or interaction with people or purely out of the blue.
This musing is different. It is about an individual called Dungu. It is also different because it is very difficult to communicate. It is in the same category as the goodbye I could not say in my Goodbye musing. This topic is about a goodbye I did not say to a platonic soulmate of 60 years because I was not there to bid him goodbye. I accepted my emotions. It’s natural to feel sadness and grief when one loses a relative or a friend.
To most of you Dungu is just a name. To me it stands for a 60-year relationship beyond description as “friendship”. In my 13th blog of Friendship I write that Friendship is like a life’s ventilator through which happiness and peace of mind radiate to us. An individual without friends is a miserable person because such a person lives a life devoid of social fallback. A social life view without friends is like being in a room with no light ventilation and turning into a wall when the intention was to walk through a door.
While Dungu’s going left an indelible psychological scar, I focus on the positive aspects of our friendship and the experiences we had together over a period of 60 years.
I keep harping on the need for regular medical check-ups. Dungu was mindful of his health and took the trouble to monitor it, but nature being what it is, the body wears out with time. Dungu was athletic. I am reliably informed that he was selected for the 1964 Tokyo Olympics as a triple jumper but turned it down as it was going to conflict with the start of his medical studies. We played squash together until our bodies advised us to step back on that form of exercise to be replaced with walking. Dungu went at the age of 83. To me he went too early because I was older than him.
Obligation is a course of action that someone is required to take, whether legal or moral. Obligations are constraints, they limit freedom. An obligation is an act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound, a duty or commitment. Among friends there is no moral or legal duty to “act” towards each other. One acts simply because one feels the joy of acting accordingly. True friendship is built on trust. Mutual human trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, and ability to look out for each other. Very often we do not obtain tangible benefit from friendships, but their mere presence creates a buttress to our lives and wellbeing. The knowledge of people who would respond to your call for help without hesitation or expectation of rewards is sufficient to give one a peace on mind.
Friendships can be formed in many ways but rarely as “love at first sight”. Friendships evolve through acquaintanceship developing as mutual trust is established. A friend is a person with whom you have a strong bond of mutual affection. It is the mutual bonding and affection that define friendship not physical closeness or time spent talking with each other. The bonding and affection develop through close interaction and mutual enrichment.
I like using the analogy of the view round the bend in my life’s journey to describe specific goals. The view round the bend, in connection with friendship, can be a mirage, an illusion, an unrealistic hope or a wish that cannot be achieved especially when casual acquaintance is confused with (true) friendship.
My friendship with Dungu was not a mirage. It was a relationship based on absolute mutual trust defined as “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, and truth of someone” assuring dependability, and integrity of our relationship. We turned to each other for mutual support, confident that the guidance we gave each other would be honest trusting each other’s integrity. We demonstrated that the more trust is established among people, the more they can assist each other.
It is rare that I view dead bodies because I want to remember people as they were when we would have last been together. With Dungu it was more than that. I turned down an invitation to view his body at the funeral home because it would have been like seeing myself lying out there. Sure enough, when his coffin was lowered in the grave, I saw myself in the grave. I quietly moved away and had a thorough grief cleansing with unabashed sobs.
I am bereft of 60 years of a relationship that was full of laughter, patience, candour, honesty, understanding, compassion, humility, gentleness, generosity, kindness, forgiveness and trust. Friendship can be ended. Mine with Dungu did not end but death morphed it into a new relationship I am still trying to figure out.
In this musing I have not been asking “what” happened to Dungu because I know that. The “how” I was told. As for “why” I know it was not a retribution but a natural end of his life’s journey. Yet I could not help myself musing over it partly to purge the deep grief I felt.
Thank you for being part of the Fork in the Road Blogs: Reflections on Life. Be sure to look out for the next episode when I will be writing about Vigils. If you gathered something useful, please feel free to share the blog. My books, Fork in the Road: Creating a future of value starting from where you are and A view round the bend. Setting goals for your life’s journey are available for purchase at Aristoc bookshops in Kampala, Uganda and online at Amazon.
Your comments on my musings are most welcome and let me know whether there is a topic you would like me to muse over.
