Welcome to the Fork in the Road Blog: Reflections on Life, musings based on my perception of life, spanning decades of active life. This episode muses over being alone and its implications.
Being alone, loneliness and silence are three distinct experiences.
Being alone simply refers to physical solitude, where a person is not in the presence of others. It can be a voluntary choice or enforced. Being alone doesn’t necessarily imply feelings of loneliness; some individuals may enjoy solitude and find it rejuvenating or productive. I sometimes do. I engage in solitary activities like reading, pursuing my hobby of photography or playing Extreme Sudoku
Silence, on the other hand, refers to the absence of sound or noise. It can be a natural state or intentionally cultivated. Silence can be external, absence of environmental noise, or internal, a lack of verbal communication.
Regarding loneliness, it is a complex emotional state characterized by feelings of isolation, emptiness, and a lack of connection with others. Unlike being alone, loneliness can occur even when surrounded by people if one doesn’t feel understood, valued, or connected to those around them. Loneliness is subjective and can vary in intensity and duration. I never felt lonelier than when I was in restaurants round the world during my working years. Sitting alone in a crowded restaurant full of seemingly happy people.
Loneliness can be triggered by various factors, including social isolation, a lack of meaningful relationships, major life changes, or personal internal struggles. Psychiatrists tell us that prolonged feelings of loneliness can contribute to the development or worsening of depression. I am not going to delve into medical issues of loneliness which I know little about.
“Leave me alone” is a command that expresses a desire to maintain a distance from or remain undisturbed by the person addressed. Its seriousness is in the tone used to say it. When a mother tells her 2-year-old to leave her alone the meaning is very different from when she says the same words to her husband.
While talking about this topic with friends, one of them mischievously said that for him he associated being alone as an opportunity of not having anyone to argue with. He happens to be a very argumentative person, so no wonder he associates solitude with lack of arguments.
I do not think anyone can wish for loneliness although there are times when we want to be on our own. To be alone. The bliss of quietness and the desire to be alone can be deeply personal experiences. I associate quietness with the peace and tranquillity that solitude sometimes offers. I am not antisocial, but there are times I want no external disturbances, to focus on what I am doing, be it reading or writing. Some people will tell you that this can create a sense of calmness and relaxation, allowing them to unwind, recharge, and find inner peace.
I find inspiration while in solitude, free from distractions and interruptions. While I am not an innovator, I find being alone provides an environment for deep thinking, problem-solving, and reflections that lead to these musings.
Overall, the wish to be alone and the bliss of quietness can be cherished experiences that provide a sense of fulfilment, contentment, and inner harmony. While social connections are important for a healthy human existence, I believe that solitude also plays a valuable role in enriching the human experience.
Sometimes we want to be alone and maintain quietness to reflect on a grave situation such as loss of someone close, or to think through an upcoming event or decisions that must be made.
There are situations, however, when isolation is imposed. Forced solitary confinement is supposed to break down an individual, not to place them in an innovative and creative mental state.
Solitary confinement as a form of punishment, in which an individual is isolated from human contact, can have profound psychological effects, aggravating feelings of loneliness and intensifying the experience of silence.
Solitary confinement is often characterized by a sinister silence that pervades the environment where external noise is minimized, and communication with others is restricted or prohibited. This enforced silence is said to heighten feelings of isolation, amplifying the psychological impact of the isolation. In the absence of meaningful human interaction, silence becomes oppressive and isolating, aggravating feelings of loneliness and alienation.
One can be alone socially, if one is ostracised, while among other people. There is an English idiom: to send someone to Coventry, meaning to ostracise someone, or act as if the person is not present. The person being shunned is treated as not existing although noticeably present. This is solitary nonconfinement with profound psychological impact.
Although I have never been placed under solitary confinement, I believe it magnifies feelings of loneliness due to the severe lack of social interaction and meaningful human connection. Even loners exhibit their character with people around them. Humans are inherently social beings, and prolonged isolation can lead to a deep sense of isolation, abandonment, and alienation.
Moments of silence are used in many religions as part of spiritual renewal. A vow of silence is usually a religious vow taken, in a monastic context, to maintain silence. Known as Mauna in Hinduism, Jainism, and Buddhism, the practice is integral to many Christian traditions as well.
Apart from that it is also followed as a spiritual practice. Among Lutheranism and Roman Catholicism monks there is what is called the Great Vow of Silence. This is a period that begins at the biblical hour of Compline (night prayer) and lasts until the first office of the next day, Lauds (morning prayer).
A personal vow of silence is taken by people who believe that when a person stops talking, he/she is forced to look inward, to think about the nature of faith and his/her own personal beliefs. The main intent often is to promote religious contemplation. Thomas a Kempis a 14th century German-Dutch canon wrote that “In silence and quiet the devout soul advances in virtue and learns the hidden truths of Scripture”. St. Dorotheus of Gaza a, 6th century Christian monk and abbot, advises to “Guard against much talking, for it puts to flight devout thoughts and recollection in God.” Each one to his own.
I am an ordinary Christian who takes the New Testament of the Bible as offering good basic principles of behaviour with guidance on how not to live as a human island. We read in the Bible of instances when Jesus is said to have sought solitude to pray (Matthew 14:23, Mark 1:35) or reflect on a grave situation as the beheading of John the Baptist (Matthew 14:10-13) or told his disciples to seek solitude when they pray even as a group (Matthew 6:6). Most likely Jesus believed in a peaceful environment that minimizes distractions for prayer.
Religious pronouncements apart, it is good to seek a few minutes to be “with yourself”, alone. The duration of the quality time doesn’t matter, it is how you use it which is important. Let the people around you understand why you seek a time to yourself and not take it as being antisocial. It is like having a nap in the afternoon. Once those around you understand its benefit to you, they accept it, and you are not treated as eccentric.
When musing over solitude, it is difficult not to think of silence although the two concepts are different. Silence is absence of noise while solitude is isolation under exclusion of external interaction but does not imply lack of noise. In fact, someone in forced solitude can decide to make a nuisance of themselves by making a lot of noise to draw attention to their incarceration. For self-appointed solitude silence is normally part of the setup.
The differences between “silence” and “keeping silent” can be subtle and context-dependent, but generally, they refer to different aspects of not speaking.
Silence is environmental. It refers to the absence of sound or noise. It can be a natural state or intentionally established. Environmental silence is collectively experienced. Silence can also be invoked as a token respect for a departed friend or colleague as people are requested to observe a moment of silence.
Keeping silent is behavioural and involves deliberately refraining from speaking or expressing oneself verbally. This can be out of politeness, discretion, or secrecy. We decide to keep silent to avoid conflict, maintain confidentiality, or observe social norms. It could be a strategic move out of expediency, for example to learn what the other side is thinking before sharing certain information to achieve a specific goal or outcome. In other words, while “silence” refers to the absence of sound, “keeping silent” involves a deliberate choice to refrain from speaking for various reasons.
When you stop to think of the state of silence, you realize there are so many such states some sounding contradictory. For example, I enjoy the silence sitting on my veranda to listen to the very noisy chirping birds. Does that make sense when talking about “silence” during episodes of noisy birds? In this context, silence refers to absence of disturbing and annoying noise. There could be situations where chirping birds can make disturbing noise and become unwelcome. If you have had weaver birds in your home environment, you would know what I am talking about.
Whether it is for spiritual rediscovery or strategizing during an argument, think before you open your mouth to talk. Remember the proverb extolling the value of silence over speech: Speech is silver, silence is golden. If you want that quality time with yourself, take it. It is worth it but do not let loneliness envelop you.
Thank you for being part of the Fork in the Road Blogs: Reflections on Life. Be sure to look out for the next episode when I will be writing about Rose. If you gathered something useful, please feel free to share the podcast. My books, Fork in the Road: Creating a future of value starting from where you are and A view round the bend. Setting goals for your life’s journey are available for purchase at Aristoc bookshops in Kampala, Uganda and online at Amazon.
Your comments on my musings are most welcome and let me know whether there is a topic you would like me to muse over.
Comments (6)
Joseph Tinka
Thank you for differentiating the three.
Can loneliness be regarded as an illness – or a medical condition for that matter – that may require say therapy to deal with? Or is it just a disorder that the victim can grow out of?
Stephen Lwanga
I don’t think loneliness can be be regarded as a health disorder although it can lead to disorders such as depression. I believe loneliness is a state one can work oneself out of given the right conditions.
Harriet Nabakooza MUSOKE
Thank you like you rightly put it we are inherently social human beings so COVID period some of us struggled staying at home. However it taught us to spend time with our loved ones and get to know them better. As much as they say silence is golden at certain times don’t be in a situation and you are hurting and you keep quiet. That particular silence can kill you when you get into depression. So you have to know when to keep silent and when to speak.
Stephen Lwanga
You are absolutely correct. Know when to keep silent and when not to.
Charity Kivengere
I know I am very late in responding to your writing on being alone, loneliness and silence, but I have truly appreciated your definitions and thoughts about this.
My question, is about keeping your mind silent. You might seek that valuable time of being silent, and even find a quiet suitable place, but your mind is full of so much noise within you, that it refuses to be silent.
How do you deal with that?
I would like you to address a d share your thoughts about the issue of ‘Listening, how to cultivate the art of listening’
Rtn Stephen
Thanks, Charity, for the insight full comments and suggestions. I find that the more I fight the “noise” in my head when I want to concentrate on what I want to focus on, the more the noise persists. I eventually realize the “noise” disappeared when I stopped listening to it by establishing a mentally relaxed mode of concentration to what I want to focus on. In other words, I stop fighting the noise.
Let me put “Listening” on the list of subjects to muse over. I am listening to you (ha ha ha)