Parenthood

Fatherhood is one of the most defining moments of one’s legacy as a man. For a woman it is motherhood. As parents, we make decisions that affect our children and very often, they have no say in these matters. This is the point I want us to think about.

As I grew up and came to the point of getting married and having a family, I always had my father at the back of my mind. To me, he was the ultimate example of fatherhood and what it meant to be a husband.

The way he treated my mother; the affection he showed her, at the same time being diligent with his work without a fault. The way he interacted with us, his children, was the best I could also expect to give my wife and children.

I always believed that children should have freedom of expression; that they should not be told what to do, but advised of what to do instead. If a time came when I noticed that the advice was not being taken seriously, this would be the time to have a discussion and make it clear that the direction being taken was not the right one.

My wife and I have three children; one biological, one legally adopted and the third, while not legally adopted, is my brother’s son whom we took over and is now one of our family. The adopted child is my wife’s cousin who was being looked after by my wife’s parents who left her in our care when they had to leave the country during the murderous regime of Idi Amin. When the time came for us to leave the country, since we were joining the World Health Organization, we sought legal adoption to give her the best as one of our children through WHO’s employee benefits.

[5.2] These are the types of decisions parents take without seeking the affirmation of their children; decisions that could have long lasting effects. The decision we took to adopt the 11-year-old child was a turning point for her.

She was uprooted from her country, taken to Europe and placed in an English boarding school. Growing up in Europe was a fundamental turning point for which she had no say.

These are the types of decisions one makes as a parent and one has to be very careful when taking them. Our parents’ parents made decisions for our parents; our parents made decisions for us; and so on, and so forth. These are responsibilities of parenthood.

When we left our country, our biological daughter was one-year-old and the adopted child was eleven. Living outside our country with these two young children was challenging in terms of finding a balance on how to bring them up.

When we moved to Zambia, where we spent three and half years working with WHO, the two girls were in their formative years. The tendency was naturally to take on the culture they were living in. We had to be diligent that they retained their “Uganda-hood” but at the same time, allowing them the option to enjoy and learn the new culture they were in.

It was important to choose the right schools because we knew we were not going to remain in Zambia forever. Therefore, the children had to have the kind of education that would enable them to move to other schools should we move out of Zambia. We had to make decisions on their behalf yet as new parents, we did not know fully if we were making the right ones. We prayed to God to guide us.

We relied mainly on looking back into our lives at the decisions that had been made on our behalf – by our parents. We believed that if we were to replicate those decisions, we would be making the correct ones.

When we had to relocate to Europe after three and half years, the decisions we were going to make became more serious. In Switzerland, we were moving into a culture we had never lived in but luckily, Geneva was an English-speaking city. Otherwise, it would have been difficult.

Again, we had to make a decision as to where the 14-year-old girl would go and decided to send her to a church oriented boarding school in England, similar to the ones my wife had attended. For the 4-year-old, we settled on an English-operated international school because we could not speak a word of French.

Later on, the time came when we felt that the child should have the benefit of learning in a French-speaking environment. Therefore, we moved her to a Swiss neighbourhood school, knowing that it offered a good learning environment and her education would not suffer. It was good for her and she picked up French easily.

When she was at the English-speaking international school and started misbehaving, my wife used to threaten to report her to the teachers. But when she moved to the Swiss school, she started teasing her mother over the threats of being reported. She would ask which language she was going to be reported in because her mother did not speak French. She was demonstrating, jokingly, that where communication with the school was concerned, she now had the upper hand.

Being a small family of four with only three of us living together – the older girl only came home during school holidays – we ended up living like adults. Everyone spoke to the other without giving orders and this has been our life with our children.

We gave them the freedom to choose what they wanted to do, especially with professional decisions. When the older girl decided to get married after her education, she made her choice and informed us freely. She ended up with a very nice young man.

Turning again to making decisions as parents and the responsibilities parents have, I give an example: Once, I travelled with the young girl to Nairobi. It was home leave, I believe, and do not remember why I was not with my wife. When we arrived in Nairobi, on our way from the airport, the young girl turned to me and said: “Daddy, there are so many black people around!”

I looked at her with surprise because I had taken it for granted that she would know that, since we were in Kenya, there would be black people. But having grown up among white people, she took that as the expected norm.

I took note of her remark and when we returned to Geneva, I narrated the experience to my wife. Thereafter, we made a decision on behalf of our daughter to send her to Kenya for her education. We did not want her to lose her identity as an African. It was a major decision.

She was about 8-years-old and we found her a place at a school in Kenya called Saint Andrews Turi. She had cousins at this school and therefore, her moving there was of double benefit. She was in

black Africa and making contact with blood relatives on both her father’s and her mother’s sides. This was one of the best decisions we made for her. Her relatives and friends from St. Andrews Turi became an integral part of her lifelong support system.

Our daughter being away in Kenya was hard on her mother. It was always traumatic to put the child on a plane to travel alone to Nairobi where she was received by relatives and taken to school many miles away from the capital city. Still, my wife understood that it was good for the girl. After two years, we noticed that she had learned about her African culture. It was time to move her back to Europe to a school in the UK.

Another illustration of decisions parents may have to make where the child has no say was when the young girl finished her primary education. Since she was the head-girl, we were going to let her move into the secondary section of the same school.

But her housekeeper called us and said there was a much better school about to take in girls for the first time. She recommended we apply to send her there. In that moment, we made a decision for her and applied. She was taken in.

This school happened to be the oldest school in the UK, prestigious and attached to Canterbury Cathedral. Therefore, it was a church school with an extremely high reputation. She went there, did very well and ended not only becoming a head prefect, but the first girl-head prefect at that. She made headlines around the world and we were very proud as her parents.

Think about how much we may have to put our self-interests aside for the good of the children. Think about it.

I learned my lesson of trying to push our daughter into certain directions which I felt more for my personal desire. When she sat for her A-level, I told her that she should apply to Cambridge or Oxford university. She said that she did not want to go to those universities.

I told her that she had the academic and leadership abilities to makes it to those universities. She reluctantly agreed and applied to Oxford and was accepted for an initial interview after which she was called for a follow-up. In the end, she was not taken in. Her headmaster, a former Oxford man, was furious and said the university was the loser.

Her second university choice was King’s College, London which had replied to her application. They said that they would not tell her whether they would take her or not until her first choice, Oxford, had made their decision.

When she informed London University that Oxford had not offered her a place, they wrote back to say they would take her if she obtained at least 3Es (the minimum pass grade). As they put it, “She had more than academic excellence to contribute to the University”.

I found this extremely flattering because it meant she did not have to study any more. She was an A student and all she had to obtain were 3Es. She went to London and studied law, English and French law; doing two years in London and two more in France, at the Sorbonne University.

Decisions made can sometimes define a person’s life, as some decisions I have made for myself have defined mine. The decisions I made for my daughter defined her life. The decision she made to study law – merely as a foundation – without being a lawyer, have defined her life to date.

Our form of parenthood makes us satisfied that it has enabled our children to become what they are today. We did not force ourselves into their lives and as soon as they grew up, we gave them space

to live accordingly. We made it clear that they are loved and we were always available to give them guidance when it was requested. Quite often, guidance is sought and given freely.

As a husband with 49 years of being happily married to my wife, I have not had a single regret. I have never had to raise my voice to her and vice-versa; because we grew up in similar environments. The love we have for each other is not oppressive. We give each other plenty of space. My wife has been a working woman all her life and retired three years after my retirement.

Whether working in Uganda before we left the country, or Zambia, Switzerland and then back to Uganda when we returned, her working environment was hers and I never encroached on it. Neither did she on mine. This has given us both peace of mind and probably explains our longevity. We have not stressed each other.

Our companionship has been enjoyable without one expecting to do something for the other just for the sake of doing it. Whenever something is done, it is because it is the right thing to do. Have I ever wished I had married someone else? The answer is “No”.

I thank God that when I made my choice, she readily agreed to marry me. She has given me a very enjoyable life and we have tried to show our children how parenting should be; drawing ourselves on the manner that our parents brought us up.

The questions to ponder as a parting shot is that as a parent, how far can we go in making decisions for children without their involvement? How much should we let the children make their decisions without our involvement?

Think about it.